[Loose Brown writes:]

Boxing Day 2007: Welcome Johnny Payphone Ride

THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS

'Twas the day after Christmas, when all through the house
not a creatre was stirring, not even a mouse.

The tallbikes were learning beside the garage with care
Rat Patrol knew soon Johnny Payphone would be there.

Boxing Day dawned bright and hot for the various members of the Patrol. I was excited as I had arranged a leave pass that was valid until 3am the next day and Tim was visiting from Sydney. When he arrived at my house, we made our way to the Flying Pigsty to meet the rest of the crew, talk shit and get really drunk. Today was a special day — Johnny Payphone was coming to stay with Rat Patrol Oz!

Nancy Porker and Screwjette had been on the road from an early hour on the way to Sydney to pick up Mr Payphone — the master of freakbikery — check www.chicagofreakbike.org say no more.

Tim and myself took Master Gravity Esquire to the Ainslie Shops to pick up a couple of cases of beer and bags of ice. That bike never ceases to amaze the locals, but the more we ride with it the more normal it seems to have a bike capable of carrying large amounts of beer, spirits, ice, BBQ and food.

Upon returning to The Flying Pigsty, the Rat Patrol fell upon the assorted beers in the shade of a huge tree in Nancy's backyard. A few hours passed by in happy enjoyment. Everyone was there. Truth be told, we all quite forgot what we were doing and why we were there. Kara decided to climb the magnolia tree and then fell asleep. Tim was still laboring through consuming his first beer of the day — not helping was the fact that he was still suffering alcohol poisoning from being kicked out of the Labor club on Christmas Day. Two Humpz was putting the finishing touches to his tallbike and gloating about not having to wear sunscreen while Limp was regaling us all with his latest hang gliding tales.

Nancy Porker is well-know for being ridiculously late, but this day took the cake. I was reaching for my sixth beer when Limp realised that we were supposed to be riding at some point and called Nancy to see where they were. Lake George!! Only minutes away. Porker knowingly delayed their arrival by more than 3 hours: impressive by anyone's standards. But it didn't matter, it was a beautiful day in Australia.

Soon Nancy and Screwjette pulled into the driveway. Rat Patrol Oz ran forward and stopped... And tried to act cool as one does when in proximity to celebrity. Johnny Payphone stepped out of the car and checked out our bikes. Soon we were saddled up and heading into town on our way to the lake.

After many calls Chris was on his way. We were excited — he was riding his recline trike that he had been working on for the last 7 or so years. It looked as though Johnny Payphone's first ride could also feature a naming ceremony!!! We met Chris on the way and checked out his trike. After another ten minutes of riding the call went out "Where's Chris?". His headtube had snapped and he was walking back to Nancy's to pick up an alternative freakbike. This is what happen's when you actually care that your welds look nice!

The jaunt through town was bursting with 'Boxing Day Sale!!' madness and to the delight of the crowd, Johnny demonstrated how to ride a chopper when your front wheel is in a plastic crate. Limp Jimmy dunked his head in the fountain — unfortunately the same fountain that Father Knob and Two Humpz urinated in a fortnight prior, to the delight of the local police. However we know urine is sterile and the fountain now smelt reassuringly of chlorine.

On to the Carillion and the festivities began. The BBQ bike was fired up and beer drinking began in earnest. It was now dear reader, that I managed to dismount the Rat Patrol Oz jousting champion Bloody Mary twice to take the best of three. Best of three?!? Who's idea was that? I then successfully defended this new title from challenges from Two Humpz.

My memory of events is quite hazy, but some highlights include:

• Johnny Payphone tallbike jousting Nancy Porker with a boxing glove that was coming off the pole — very painful for Porker, but loads of fun for everybody watching.
• Limp Jimmy jousting Chris in a match that resembled two pink faries flitting about the flowers in the back garden.
• Kara (having woken from the magnolia tree) climbing a much taller tree and sliding off while gripping it — resulting in nice long scratches.
• Johnny Payphone suddenly rolling Two Humpz's tallbike down the hill and into the lake which was closed from a blue green algae outbreak.
• Kara jumping into the lake with her open wounds — the same lake which was closed from a blue green algae outbreak.
• Tim rolling my tallbike down the hill and into the lake which was closed from a blue green algae outbreak.
• Limp getting completely naked and jumping into the lake which was closed from a blue green algae outbreak.
• Running out of beer!!!!!!!!
• Me falling off The Penthouse and taking all the skin off my lower shin.
• Abandoning SS Mitzie in some bushes after multiple attempts to repair a puncture using various patches and wrong sized inner-tubes.

If you don't limp, you ain't shit!

Porker clearly intimidated by the white guy with a moustache

Apparently some kind of victory was achieved here, the result is still being contested.

Apparently the Patrol made a stop in the City on the way home but I was wayyyyyyyyy too smart for that. Besides I was bleeding too much...